He's so private, I never write about him. But, maybe he'll let me this time.
Months ago it occurred to me - Oh! Remember? Reading in the bath! Remember that? Oh… so, so dreamy…
Motherhood launched me, hard, into a new reality. One that created a thousand new favourite things, but also left out a few beloved favourites of my former life as well. Like reading in the bath.
Motherhood of two just launched me harder, faster and farther. Again, with even more heart-busting favourites created (the oldest singing to the littlest), while a few more favourites got slashed from the realm of possibility. Like talking to my husband. Oh, how I miss it.
Pre-children one of my regular lines whenever we were snuggled up cozily together was, "Oooooh! Imagine if we were in a TENT RIGHT NOW?!" Because that would be combining two of my favourite things and creating an Ultimate. If we were snuggling away the "busy-ness" of our former lives (we didn't know yet that we didn't know what busy was), and just being… together, I was thrilled. But if I could take that coziness and raise it a tent on a secluded beach? I was blissed.
Now I settle happily (because I assume this is temporary?) for a high five at the end of the day. If we have enough energy to raise our arms for that long after 7:00pm.
All of our babysitting time is used up on working or errands. I took a job during his days off to maximize my time with the girls and minimize money spent on childcare. We now solo-parent for much of the time and have precious little time without an
offspring adorable child present. We are two ships high-fiving in the night.
And so, from so-close but so, so, so far, I find myself admiring him, vaguely wondering what it would be like to have the energy to have a complete conversation with him. We sure used to like doing that. (This is what I do when I'm not busy being annoyed at him, because lets face it, our current pace of life is fertile ground for seriously?).
And I feel compelled to create the bullet list. And I don't even know yet what I'm going to type but I am certain that most of it is going to be dad-related. Because that's where we are at right now. And he is the best.
Why He's Still my Favourite:
* By the time our first was 2 only he could wash her hair (according to her), because it was their thing (according to him).
* Soleil's first sentence at 16 months old was, "Coffee with Dad?" Because Saturday morning strolls to the coffee shop was their religion, because sleeping in was mine. Bless them both.
* He makes me laugh. So much. And he always gets it.
* Because he has this really weirdly amazing herbaceous smell. Like cilantro. I love cilantro.
* We actually argue, and he puts up a good fight and I don't always win, about who gets to comfort the children when they have night terrors.
* Because he has a very special thing (that I'm very jealous of) with Lucy that lulls her into an agreeable state for bedtime.
* He and Soleil have their own little language they speak.
* Because he deals with all the vomit. Always.
* Because he gets it done. It never matters what it is. It is not always done my way (almost never) but it is done and done well, whatever it is. For him, for me, for the family. He does it.
* Because he gives the greatest hugs.
* Because I'm fairly certain I could not have birthed either baby without him nuzzled into my neck telling me that he knew I could.
* Because I practice WWHS? Whenever I get stressed and I can't actually speak to him I ask myself, What Would Hubs Say? and our imagined conversations calm me down.
* In fact, if I can't come up with a good imagined response (a WWHS failure) I just picture his face and I calm down. Just the image of his disembodied head floating in my mind's eye is calming. That is a like a super power. (His super power for being so calming that I don't even need to imagine the rest of his body or mine for having such potent visualization skills? I can't decide).
* His obsessive nature. When it isn't driving me NUTS it sure gets a lot of shit done around here.
* Because he kisses them as much as I do.
* Because I never had to ask him once to clean a single item of pumping equipment during the eternal year of pumping for Lucy.
* Because of everything to do with him and Lucy's eternal first year.
* Because he has a very specific strategy for covering Lucy with a blanket at night that he does not tolerate being violated, it is equal parts OCD neurosis and Dad Instinct combining to create some kind of Crazy Super Dad ritual. I love it and spy on it regularly.
* Because I find myself constantly craving dates with him, even though that kind of thinking is wishful these days.
* Because he keeps trying.
* Because the girls adore him.
* Because he's there. Always. And I know he will be.